Thankfulness and Sadness

My Thanksgiving post, just a little late. ; )

We had a really nice Thanksgiving this year we saw lots of family and thats always fun, especially when its family you don't see very often. And I got to show off my boys, what mother doesn't love doing that?

Thanksgiving tends to be a bit hard on me, I feel pulled two different ways emotionally. I know I should be thankful and happy for many things, including a wonderful husband who loves me dearly and my two happy and healthy little boys. But I also have feelings of mourning and sadness. And part of me wants to just mope around and be sad on Thanksgiving and the days following.

Four years ago the day after Thanksgiving I found out that my baby in utero had lost his heart beat and I went to the hospital to start the induction. It is something that I had been trying to prepare myself for, but none the less it was still a horrible and extremely hard thing to go through. But I was able to have a normally and easy delivery but emotionally very hard and I got to see my son hold him, cuddle him and kiss him. But all the while knowing that I would never be able to again. If he was here living with us today he would be 4 years old. For some reason it feels longer than 4 years.

So on Thanksgiving I am mourning the loss of my first born child, and the live I never got to have with him. But it makes me even more thankful for the two beautiful healthy boys I have here with me today.